5th Post

...I was so grateful to be at the hospital, I didn't have to worry about falling anymore or the ambulance getting into a crash.  I had about 6 people working on me, asking questions, shining lights in my eyes, taking blood, taking xrays, it was surreal and then once they were able to determine I was ok, they were out of there.  It was like, NEXT... However, there was one nurse that wouldn't leave my side.  She stayed with me even when her superiors told her it was time to move on.  She just wouldn't leave me.  She was so kind and gentle and really was worried about me.  They sent a social worker in to talk with me...not a good sign.  (The nurse just moved to the side and did some charting, but she never left the room.)  Of course, I justified this as, I was in a traumatic accident, they just want to make sure I am okay emotionally.  He kept talking to me about Paige in the past tense.  This was making me crazy, he wasn't helping, I wanted him to get out of there...I continued to correct him, he had a very sad look in his eyes.  I couldn't look at him anymore.  The doctor came in the room, he told me I had broken 7 ribs and 3 ribs were detached, he said they would be transferring me to a room.  A policeman then came in and wanted to ask me about the accident and what I remembered.  He had my name down as Natalie Marrott, I told him that my name was Natalie Marrott Grant and my daughter's name was Paige Grant, he argued with me and showed me my license and yes my license does say Natalie Marrott but Grant is written right above it in capital letters because it is my last name.  I pointed that out, and I wasn't very nice...I felt like everyone I was talking to would argue with me, like I didn't know my own name?!!!  He decided he would come back and talk to me later.  I was relieved...  

Looking back, I think the reason these people were making me crazy was because they knew that I had lost my daughter, of course none of them were able to tell me.  I often wonder why they didn't let me touch her, see her, why they were so quick to hide her from me.  I guess I shouldn't think about that too much and just know they were doing their jobs and probably protecting me from an image that I didn't need to remember for the rest of my life.  

I was alone in the room, the nurse had stepped out when the policeman came in.  It was a very sterile room, big white lights above me, steel table, just cold and sterile.  I remember feeling glass all around me, I was surprised I was still laying in glass from the car.  I figured they would be moving me soon and to just be grateful that I was ok.  My back was hurting, I had to keep my knees bent to relieve the pain, but other than that I felt pretty good.  My sweet nurse came back in, she was young and so nice, she held my hand and talked with me.  She asked me about Paige and I told her how precious she was, I told her about my boys and how lucky I was to have such great kids.  The social worker was coming back in, great...actually he was really nice, but he just didn't hide his emotions very well, so I didn't like looking at him, it was hard to stay positive when every time I would look at him, he looked like he was ready to cry.  The nurse was taking a call, she told me it was my husband, that he wanted to talk with me.  She brought me the phone, it was Morgan...the nurse and the social worker stepped out, but stayed right by the door.  It was good to hear Morgan's voice, I told him he needed to get out here and take care of Paige.  His voice was strong, he told me that he needed to talk to me about Paige.  He said "she didn't make it Nat", and he started to cry... My deepest feelings that I had been trying so hard to not believe were now confirmed... my beautiful little girl was gone.  My mind started to go a million miles a minute, but if Morgan could get here, he could save her, I know he could.  Maybe she was alive and they just couldn't feel her pulse because she was so tiny and petite, she couldn't be gone, I was okay, if I was okay she should be too.  Morgan was talking to me, I don't remember what he was saying, I felt my body go into the fetal position, and I began to cry... the sound that came out of me was like nothing I can even describe.  Never in my life had I been in so much emotional pain...  Morgan was strong, he told me it was going to be ok, that he was on his way and he had Chase with him...he told me Stefan was on his way and would be there soon.  I remember just saying "no, no...she can't be gone", "please don't tell me this", "why not me, I want to die, I want to be with her"...  The pain I was feeling in my heart far surpassed the physical pain I was in from my injuries, my body was numb, but my heart was tearing apart.  When I say that, I mean it literally felt like it was being torn to pieces physically, the pain was so debilitating so unbelievable I didn't think I would be able to survive it and honestly I didn't want to.  Morgan continued to talk to me and tried to calm me down, he was in pain too, he was hurting, he was telling me he should have been there, he should never have left us and that if he had stayed with us, he would have been there.  I was starting to get angry at him, I don't know why, he was being very kind, but he was the one who told me that my daughter had died.  My beautiful Paige, the miracle baby that we had waited so long for -  My best friend that was with me 24 hours a day, playing tea party, store, doing dances for me and gymnastics -  The two of us laughing and having kiss attacks, the little sweetheart that would hold my hand as we would fall asleep together at night - the most precious little voice, always telling me she loved me and that I was the best mom in the "whole wite woorld"...  How could I go on?  I didn't want to, I handed the phone to the nurse...