Sunday, September 20, 2009

10th Post

It had seemed like forever since I had arrived at the hospital.  I was still in the emergency room and was surprised that I hadn't been moved to the room upstairs.  (The doctor had told me there was a room for me before they brought me to the emergency room.)  I mostly remember being numb emotionally and physically.  Several of my friends came in to the room and visited with me for brief moments.  I am grateful for all of their love and support.  After my son Stefan arrived, we were pretty much left alone to just be together.  I wrote before how everything was blurry, like a fog...and so is my memory from this point.  Stefan and I didn't say much, he just held my hand and we just comforted one another. 

It wasn't much longer before my oldest son, his wife and my ex-husband arrived.  Morgan, as I have stated before was a physician, and he let the staff at this hospital have it.  Not only had he lost his daughter, he came to find me still laying on a hard gurney like bed still on the same sheets from the ambulance with glass all over me.  I had been like this for hours, long enough for him to get the news, drive to the airport, fly to California, get a rental car and drive to the hospital.  He was fit to be tied.  It was within minutes after he arrived that I was moved to a room and was given some pain medication.  He insisted that the physician that had taken care of me talk to him.  I think the physician had to leave surgery or something, and in his defense he was very upset that I was still in the emergency room... but Morgan was so angry at the care I was receiving he had people running all over the place.  I am relieved on many accounts that Morgan came out, not only did he probably save my life, he was able to go and be with Paige and that was more important than anything else.  

Once Morgan was able to get me settled into a room, get me on some medication stronger than Midol, he was ready to go and take care of Paige.  But, before he left, I told him I could feel glass all over the bed.  He pulled back the sheets to see that I was STILL on the same sheet that I had been on since the ambulance and there was glass all over it...this just about put Morgan over the edge, the sheets were changed and I no longer had to worry about rolling on glass or scraping my feet with the glass on the sheets.  He also was astonished to find that they hadn't put me on a breathing device.  I had 7 broken ribs, therefore, I couldn't breath as deeply as I should, so this can cause a patient to get pneumonia... Morgan made sure this was ordered and from then on, I had to breath deep and blow into this device at least once every 30-60 minutes (can't remember precisely).  It was very painful, but I can't imagine how horrible it would have been if I had developed pneumonia...I would probably have died.

Then Morgan was off to take care of our little girl...I will never know what he went through having to see her in a morgue.  I hate even writing that word, it haunts me.  [I am so sorry that you had to do that Morgan, I am so sorry that our beautiful little girl was all alone in that cold scary place.  Morgan, I will never know the pain you experienced that day having to identify our little miracle baby girl.  I have nightmares thinking about it, I wish I could have been there to help you through, I am sorry that you had to take care of that without me and I am just so sorry that I couldn't have prevented this loss.  I would have given anything for this to have not happened.  I know you were able to draw some strength from our son Chase, our dear chiefy.  I am so grateful for Chase, I know he took care of you, his dad, on the way to the airport and on the flight to California and the many days that followed.]  Chase has a strength for both Morgan and I that I don't think any of us have ever talked about, just a quiet knowledge we have always known.  Chase took over for us, we needed him and he has never disappointed us.  

Chase and Brooke (his wife of only a few months at this time) stayed with me from that point on.  They may have left for a few hours to go and take a shower, but that was it.  The first night in the hospital room, I had Stefan right next to me holding my hand.  After that, Stefan spent more time with his dad, he didn't want to be at the hospital.  I had Chase and Brooke sleeping on the floor of the hospital (and it wasn't the cleanest hospital).  Then I had a friend fly in from Idaho, two friends from Utah and a friend from California drive in to Long Beach.  I had loved ones and friends from every aspect of my life.  I had Marilyn that I have known since we were in elementary school, Debbie, my friend since Jr. High, Pam, my friend since high school and Michelle a friend I had known for a few years.  It was wonderful to have so much love and support.  These ladies however, would get me laughing and have you ever tried to laugh when you have 7 broken ribs and 3 detached ribs?  Just a little painful... but, this was so good for me.  I remember Chase and Brooke walking in after grabbing something to eat and saying that it looked like "Sex in the City" in that room with all these gorgeous women sitting around me.  

I guess this is the first I realized that I had truly been blessed in my life.  Here were my two boys that I love more than life itself, my new daughter-in-law and my dear friends that left their families at a moments notice to come and be with me...I was very humbled.  I look back and am so grateful for my Chase and Brooke, they stayed every night and slept on the floor, they could have gone back to the hotel that Morgan had got for them, but they refused to leave me.  They will never know the love that I have for them, just knowing that they were with me, no matter what, I could wake up and know that Chase and Brooke were there.  Funny, that is the same feeling I have now living in this home, I know if I need anything, Chase and Brooke are there...this was comforting then and here two years later, it is comforting now, they are still here for me.  Thank you.

To my dear friends that took care of me those days and nights in the hospital, I am sure my boys are eternally grateful that you were there to take me to the bathroom and to help me change.  I know that I owe you a debt that I can never repay.  Thanks for coming to be with me, to make me laugh, to help me through such a horrible time, to be there for my boys, I know you took care of them as well.  I know you even were there for Morgan, and I know he appreciated having you there to take care of me.  

I finally wasn't worried about Paige anymore, I knew that Morgan would make sure that she was taken care of.  Little did I know the trouble that he encountered just trying to get our little girl back home.  I am grateful that he was strong enough to be able to make it through, I had always stood by his side on these kind of things, and this was the first time since I met Morgan that when something went bad I wasn't right beside him.  I had to be taken care of this time.  I think this was the first time in my life that I had to be taken care of, it was usually the other way around, and to be honest, I prefer being the one to take care of others.  

I don't remember if I left the hospital on the Monday or the Tuesday, I know it was hard to get approval from the doctor to be discharged.  I remember having to sign a paper that I was leaving against medical advice, but they weren't doing much for me...Morgan was telling them what I should be receiving for care and medication.  I remember they had a nurse sitting with me the first night and the second day, I think for suicide watch.  But, I had so many friends and family with me, it was a waste of time and money, they finally realized this.  I was never suicidal, I had said I wanted to die, but that didn't mean I would ever do anything to make that come to pass.  Who wouldn't want to die when they heard the words that their most precious gift in life their beautiful child had died.  I think that was probably the sanest I have ever been...

I was going to go home, finally!!!  But, I was leaving without Paige, and she wasn't coming with me.  I couldn't worry about that, Morgan had it covered, we just had to get home... and then what...

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