Wednesday, October 28, 2009

13th Post

From this point on, it gets very personal and I'm not sure that I should write about these moments in a blog. I will briefly just say that Morgan got our little girl home and the next time I saw her was at a funeral home, we went as a family, Me, Morgan, Chase and Stefan...I think I will leave it at that...

The realization of the loss was incapacitating, but through the love of my incredible boys, my loving brothers and sister-in-laws, caring friends and family we were able to make it through. The next few days were a whirlwind and I was pretty much out of it. I know that my son Chase was very busy getting photos for people, calling everyone, fielding phone calls etc. He was the man of the house and he just took over. I didn't have any idea that he was doing all of this. I had dear friends around me, friends and family flew in from North Carolina, California, Arizona and Idaho. I had friends and family taking my boys out to get them suits for the funeral, looking for outfits for me, you name it someone was on it. Food was being brought in, I mean it was unbelievable. I remember waking up to Brooke and Chase sleeping in my bed with me and it gave me so much comfort. I was having anxiety attacks frequently, I actually had a paper bag by my bed and I used it. This had started while in the hospital. I was scared to be alone, but fortunately no one ever let that happen.

It was time to write the obituary and plan the funeral. I was in the living room when Chase read to me the obituary he had written...I only had a few things to add, he is such a beautiful writer. Then he said, it was time to figure out what to do for the funeral... I remember this so clearly, I looked at him and said, "I know exactly what I want and who I want to speak"... he looked at me incredulous. I don't think I had been lucid very often since the accident. But, at this moment I knew what needed to be said and done for our little angel. And Chase wrote it down, made the phone calls and it was done. Paige's funeral was the most beautiful touching celebration of life I have ever witnessed.

When we arrived at the church, friends had made scrapbooks of Paige, that were amazing!!! These would have taken hours and hours. Then my sister-in-law Jina had made each of us a quilt with pictures of Paige and writing and intricate quilting, I know she had help of friends and women in my ward, but how all of this was accomplished is still beyond comprehension. There was a DVD put together with movies of Paige and us and her friends and all the wonderful things she had accomplished in her 5 short years on this earth. I know that writing this right now does not do justice as to what love was shown that day to our family!!! Then it was expressed throughout that week and for weeks, months and years to come.

Morgan had taken care of the arrangements, we went together to pick out a cemetery plot, I was in a wheelchair...but able to walk, just in a lot of pain. The day of the funeral, it was long but I was able to withstand the day, I have no idea how. I do have to thank Morgan for being so attentive of me that day, he stepped up to the plate. The funeral was packed, people were standing in the halls and some had to stay outside because it was just too hard for them. Stefan's whole football team was there, all of our relatives, friends, young and old were there. This little girl had touched so many lives. At the age of 5, she had lived more than most adults and definitely loved more. The internment in the cemetery was beautiful. My brother Tracy had written a poem about butterflies and then we all opened little boxes with beautiful monarch butterflies that took flight, Paige would have LOVED that. Then Morgan put a case with doves on my lap and I opened it up and Doves flew out and circled and it was heavenly. Wow, what a tribute to a true angel.

I want to thank the people that did so much for us, and you all know who you are. Food, love, friendship, service, just anything anyone could do - they did. Thank you. Thanks to Miss Molly and Ronalee for speaking. Thanks to my Chase for his words and beautiful song. Thanks to Stefan and Chase for their song, thanks to Brooke for her beautiful song. Thanks to all of Paige's little friends who sang "I Am A Child Of God"... Thanks for the Maori's and the song and haka... Thanks for all the scrapbooks, the pictures that were put in frames, the quilts, the food that was provided for the family after the funeral, the sleepovers, the dinners, friends and family staying with me 24/7. Thank you Morgan for taking care of your family during this terrible ordeal and thank you Stefan for being my son and brother to Paige and Thank You Chase for taking care of all of us, for being the best brother to Stefan and Paige and for being my son!!! I love you so much!!!

The love that I feel for everyone who came to my home or to the church or cemetery...or those that wrote letters or sent gifts...or even just took a moment to pray or have us in your thoughts, the love is beyond words.

We miss you Paige girl, we love you and look forward to the day when we can be together again. I know for you it isn't that far away, but for those of us left here on the earth it feels like an eternity. Goodbye for now...

Monday, October 12, 2009

12th Post

I remember leaving the hospital in a wheelchair with several pillows around me to cushion my ribs.  Chase and Brooke were leading the way, and all my friends, Deb, Marilyn, Pam and Michelle were with me.  I was pretty drugged up, but I remember being so happy to leave this horrible hospital, it was such an ugly place, there was nothing good about it.  As we got outside, I remember feeling a tremendous rush of anxiety, I was going to have to get in a car...and go back on California roads.  I told myself it was going to be okay, I had all of these people with me, I had my boys and they would be with me.  I was so grateful to see that I was going to be riding in a Ford Expedition, I knew I would be sweet daughter-in-law had arranged for her Uncle to drive us to the airport.  The next thing I remember is arriving at a gate, and driving out to a small plane, I wasn't sure where we were going, or how I was getting home.  I was calm though, it was then brought to my attention that we would be flying home on a private jet.  One of my dearest friends, Darryl, had arranged to fly me, my boys, Brooke and my friends home.   I remember feeling like I was smiling a lot, I don't know why...I just know I couldn't believe all of the people that were there with me and so willing to help.  As I write this, my heart becomes so full, it is hard to see through the tears.  The realization of the love that was shown to me these few days is something that I can't do justice to with words.  These are the kind of friends I have been so blessed to have in my life.  Thank you! 

No one knew the best way to get me home due to my injuries.  They were worried about having me fly commercially because of having to go through security and then sitting on a plane and they were worried about me being bumped and jostled around.  The next idea was to rent a van and make up a bed in the back and drive me home.  This is when my dear friend Darryl got wind of all of this and he chartered a plane for me.  I remember walking up the steps and getting on this beautiful plane, they had a couch for me to lay on, it was unbelievable, I had never been on a private jet.  I wish I could remember more about it, all I remember is that I wanted Stefan to be by my side, Chase and Brooke had each other, but again, I just didn't want to be alone and I didn't want Stefan to be alone.  Well, my dear Stefan has a hard time flying and with all of the additional stress, he was about ready to pass out, so all of my sweet friends moved him to the front and took care and attended to him for the flight, which is the funniest thing, but so nice. Then, my Chase and Brooke were there for me, yet again.  I remember Chase telling me I was fine and he was right there, and then I don't remember anything until I was being helped off the plane.

We were back in Utah...we were home!!!  I felt a huge relief pass through my body, everything really was going to be okay now, I was home.  Then I remembered that Paige wasn't with me.  I asked where she was, she was still in California with her dad.  Morgan  was there taking care of her precious little body and trying desperately to get her home.  
I now had to get into another car, it was my friend Pam's car, and all I could remember was my little Paige just a few weeks before complimenting Pam on her new car.  This brought a smile to my face, Paige always was quick to recognize when someone had something special happen in their life whether it be a new car, a  new hairdo or a present of some kind.  She was all over it!  I wasn't nervous to get into Pam's car, I was home...I remember getting in the front seat and that is all I remember until I arrived at my home.

As we pulled into my driveway, every tree and bush in my yard was covered with pink bows.  There were flowers and stuffed animals and a huge heart with notes to me and my boys and letters to Paige.  It was an amazing sight.  Again, I am overcome with emotion as I write about this because of the love that my friends, family, neighborhood, ward and community  showed our family.  Yes, I was home, without my beautiful Paige, but I came home to so much was overwhelming.  Now we just needed to get our little girl, our precious little Paige home!