Wednesday, February 3, 2010

15th Post

I have talked about the accident and walked us through the services and a little of the aftermath of losing Paige. I don't really know how to proceed. It has now been almost two in a half years since we lost Paige. I wish I could say that it gets better and easier with every day that passes, but that would be a lie. For so long I worried about losing a child, I remember when Chase was little and he spent the night at his Grandma Marrott's house... coming home to our apartment without our little Chase sent me into a whirl. I remember walking into his room with all of his clothes and toys just as he left them, and kind of breaking down. Morgan thought I was losing my mind, but I told him, can you imagine if we were coming home without Chase for real, if he was gone... The feelings of losing a child were so real, I was overcome. Then, there were several times when Stefan was little that I had the same feeling, I remember going into his room and taking him out of his bed and putting him in bed with me because I was afraid he wouldn't wake up in the morning. I talked to my family about this and my mom and brother Corey told me that they had each had similar experiences when their children were young. But, I knew that the feelings I had were more than just a worry, I knew it was going to happen. I believe now that this was all preparation for what was going to happen. I believe that we have trials and experiences that come into our lives to help us be ready for certain things that WILL happen in our lives while we are here on the earth.

In the last month, I have realized that it is time to celebrate Paige's life and not focus so much on the accident and the loss of her. This isn't something that has happened over night. When you lose a child, there are no rules that apply, you just need time. Who knows, I will probably have days that I will focus again heavily on the accident, but right now I really want to just remember our sweet little girl alive. One of things that I have done is to take all of the pictures and gifts that were given to us and put them away, I finally got my living room back to being a living room again. I have realized that my life has been on hold for the past two in a half years. This was especially true when I walked into my pantry and everything had expired in 2007 and 2008. Yes, it is true, I haven't really gone grocery shopping or fixed dinner or anything since the accident. I write this because I know there are people reading this that have recently lost a child. I just want everyone to know that it takes time, you may not be yourself for a long long time, if ever. I honestly believe that I may never be the same person I was before, but I am moving forward, quite slowly, but I am moving forward. My son Chase has expressed to me that he feels that I have been a little crazy the last little while, he is right, I have been focusing on trying to stay sane. I have always thought of myself as a very strong gal, but this has definitely proved to crack this so called strength I thought I had.

I do want to tell Chase and Stefan how much I love them, and if it wasn't for them, I would be long gone. The love that I have for your little sister is the same love that I have for you. I would be devastated to lose any of you. I know I can be an over protective mom, and I am sorry if that drives you crazy, but I love you and I just want the best for you. I am so proud of who you have grown up to be and the choices you have made in your young lives, you are truly gifts from Heaven and I thank my Heavenly Father every day for you. It is amazing the love that I feel for you, I can't wait for you, Chase, to feel this, and know how unconditional the love from a parent is for their child. It won't be long...just a few more months!!!

Paige, I feel your sweet spirit in our home daily, and while I can't see you I know you are always close by. Thank you for coming to us and sharing your beautiful smile and fun little giggle - these things are forever etched in my mind. I will never forget the day you were born, I finally had a little girl, how special, this beautiful little girl was finally here. As you grew, it became more apparent just how special you were, and of course now we know that we didn't have a clue who you really were... Thank you sweetie!!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

14th Post

The following weeks and months that followed the funeral were hard. I remember some things very vividly and others are very patchy. I do know that I was shown more love than I ever imagined could be given. My boys were doing okay, Chase was living in a different city with his wife, so I don't know how well he coped at that time. Stefan however, was with me, and he was struggling. I didn't think he would be able to finish his senior year. Chase started a new job the following Monday after the services, and he just pushed right through. I worry about him, he carried us all and never really has had a chance to grieve. Stefan went through a very hard time, he quit going to school...didn't finish his 1st semester and didn't even go his 2nd semester. But, after Christmas, I sat him down and told him that life can't stop when bad things happen. We went and talked with his counselor, Mr. Sears, and he was so incredible, he had so much empathy and helped Stefan work out a schedule that let him finish his senior year. That is what I mean about the love that was shown our family, it was incredible. Chase of course had Brooke, but she was hurting as well, I know her family was wonderful to them, and they even took care of Stefan and I that first holiday season without Paige. Brooke's parents were in SanDiego with us as Brooke's brother played football with Stefan. The love they have shown my Chase is wonderful, I couldn't have hand picked a better family for my son to marry into and definitely not a better wife for my boy.

As I look back on the pain of that first year and all the firsts that we had to go through without Paige; the first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...etc. It was such a hard year, but it wasn't as bad as I thought, now that I look back. Family and friends come together and there is so much support and love that you are able to make it through. Paige's birthday was amazing, we met at her grave and all of her little friends and parents came. My friends, family, friends of Chase and Stefan were there, Paige's teachers were there, all of the people that loved our little Paige came, it was so heartwarming! We all gathered together and talked about Paige. I asked the little girls to draw a picture to send to Paige, and they all brought one, so we tied them to pink and purple balloons and sent them off into the beautiful blue sky. Miss Molly, Paige's preschool teacher brought the kids a candy necklace and talked about how life is like a circle - holding up the necklace - that it is never ending, she is simply amazing. Then Chase read the butterfly poem that my brother wrote and Stefan handed out little triangle boxes...we then had everyone open their boxes and butterflies flew out. You should have seen the look on the faces of the children that didn't realize there were butterflies in the boxes. It was so beautiful and it really seemed as though these butterflies were headed to heaven to give messages to Paige for all of us. See, I had told everyone that there is a legend that butterflies take our thoughts or secrets to our loved ones in heaven, and told the children to think of what they wanted to tell Paige. Then they set free the butterflies, it was the most precious site. I was so touched by the love of the people who took time out of there busy day to come and spend a little time with me and my family while we celebrated our little Paige's birthday.

It has been 2 years since the accident, and I must say that the second year has definitely been the hardest for me. I talked to a friend who has also lost a child and asked her why the second year seemed so much harder than the first...she said she believes it is because that first year, you can still look back and say, "last year at this time we were doing..." and the second year you can't do that anymore, and the realization of the loss is more profound. I have to agree...I find myself spending a lot of time in bed, it brings me comfort. My heart is always hurting, and I feel so alone. I hurt when I realize people are forgetting my little girl. Obviously life goes on, it has to, that is the plan. But, I have to tell myself that people haven't forgot, they just don't have to live with the pain on a daily basis like I do. Every time I see her beautiful little face in pictures or in my mind, I feel so much joy, yet so much pain. It is hard to understand why this beautiful little miracle baby had to leave us after such a short time on this earth. It is then that I realize that it isn't for us to understand, it is only for us to accept and have faith that all is well. She is where she is suppose to be and she is doing a work that we don't understand because we are still on the earth. When we lose young children, it seems so unfair, but really we should be celebrating that they are so choice that they don't have to go through the pains that come to us in this mortal state here on the earth. Those of you reading this that don't have the same belief system I have, you have to see that this belief is what is getting me through. To believe that she is in a better place and she was so special that she was able to leave while still innocent and never hurt, only loved. What a true blessing!!!

Paige Amelia, I love you so much, you are the light of our lives. You brought us so much we miss those beautiful eyes, that bright smile and the "hugs and kisses" that were always in abundance from you. Your sweet little arms that would wrap around my neck and squeeze so tight as you would tell me that "mom, I love you so much"!!! I cherish those memories and will never ever let them fade. Your brothers and dad and I will do everything we can to keep your memory alive for all of our posterity, because you are a true angel. Thank you for being our angel on earth. Love you sweetheart!!!

Here is the Butterfly Poem, by Tracy Marrott

Butterflies and Angels,
On a summers day.
You can never hold them long,
They just aren't meant to stay.
An Angel chased a Buttefly,
Smiling as She ran.
Knowing all the innocence,
As only Angles can.
Much too soon they disappear,
But only from our sight.
We shall find them once again,
When we enter into God's light.

For my Paige, Love Uncle Tracy

Sunday, November 1, 2009

13th Post Addendum

In my last post, I probably made it sound like I wasn't going to write anymore, but that is not the case... I was just saying that I wouldn't be talking about the more personal things that surrounded the funeral etc. I will however, continue to tell you about Paige, and what a true living angel we had in our family for 5 years. When I said goodbye, it was to Paige, not the blog...