6th Post

...I didn't want to believe what I was hearing, I felt so useless, so helpless, there was nothing I could do.  Paige was my little girl, yet, I couldn't see her, I had no say in what was done to her, and now she was gone.  I imagined in my mind that when Morgan would get to Paige, he would find that she really was alive and they just had made a huge mistake.  I was talking to Morgan telling him that I couldn't go on, I couldn't live without her...he told me he wanted to talk to the nurse.  I handed her the phone and told her that he wanted to talk with her, I remember saying, "I hate him".  I guess that statement says it all, at that moment I hated everything and everyone.  Paige was gone...

I remember just laying there feeling so alone and then it hit me.  Stefan, he would be coming soon, I needed to be strong, he was going to need me.  Chase was flying in, he had his sweetheart Brooke, but I still needed to be strong.  My boys needed their mom, I needed to be there for them.  Yes my heart was broken, but how were my boys going to feel, they had just lost their precious little sister.  Then it hit me that, Stefan probably saw the accident scene...he was on a bus with the football team and they more than likely went right by the accident.  Oh, I hope he didn't see anything bad, did he know about Paige yet? Morgan said he had Chase with him, so Chase knew about Paige, was he ok?  Then I thought about my Chase and how as a young boy, the age of Paige, his dad had gone through cancer.  My little Chase became the man of the house, his sweet little innocence was taken away at the age of 5 as he saw his father so sick.  I knew Chase would be fine and that he would be the strength of our family just like he had for so many years.  Was it unfair that a young boy had to take on so much responsibility at such a young age?  I guess we are given trials throughout our lives to prepare us for the times in our lives when we have to carry the burden for our loved ones.  I remember thinking this about my Chase, but it wasn't until well after this tragedy that I came to realize the role that Chase did play in this and how he stepped up and took care of Me, his Dad and his brother Stefan.  

The doctor came back in and told me they had a room for me upstairs.  Soon after that, I was moved into the Emergency Room, (not sure why I wasn't moved upstairs) and I remember thinking people would be really kind to me because of the loss I was experiencing, the secretary and nurses seemed indifferent...I was shocked.  I found out later that they hadn't heard the whole story yet.  Then, a familiar face, my friend and fellow football mom, Barb came into my little curtained off section.  I will always remember how strong she was.  I really needed someone strong, she didn't cry and lose it, she was strong and it was good, we could talk.  She said that Stefan was on his way.  Why wasn't he here yet?  I guess his coach made him go all the way to Pasadena and then finally let some parents bring him back down to Long Beach.  It seemed like hours had gone by, I really needed to see my son.  It wasn't much longer before my Stefan came in and I could feel so much love.  My sorrow and despair was replaced with gratitude for having my son there with me.  He gave me a huge hug and then he smiled his gorgeous smile that you just live for as a mom.  He sat by me and held my hand...he layed his head down on me and cried, we cried together...the room was filled with love, Paige was there with us, my parents and those that have gone before, you could feel this strong feeling of compassion and I knew we were going to be ok...