11th Post

The days I spent in the hospital are hard for me to remember.  I know I kept asking for Stefan, I was worried about him.  Stefan and I were so relieved to see one another after we had been given the terrible news.  We spent some quiet moments together.  There was a bond, I didn't want him to leave my side.  I didn't want to be alone again.  

My thoughts always turn to my boys... I often wonder what Stefan was thinking being on a bus with all of his buddies and hearing such heartbreaking news.  Stefan had some very good friends that were with him that day, I am so thankful for their kindness to him.  I can't imagine what must have been going through his mind, driving by the accident scene, knowing his mom and little sister had just been in that car.  I don't know what the car looked like, but I have been told that it was completely crushed and Paige's little car seat was sitting on the ground as the football team drove by.  My heart breaks for Stefan knowing he saw this.  I know the nightmares and anxiety that I see and feel daily, (sometimes multiple times a day) and I pray that my boys don't have this happening to them.  Then I think of Chase and how he arrived at his father's home just as Morgan was receiving the news that Paige hadn't made it and Morgan collapsed in Chase's arms. These two young men, my boys that I love more than life itself, had to endure this and I couldn't be there for them.  

I guess like in any kind of accident or tragedy, news gets spread quickly and facts are often given wrong.  Initially, my boys were told that Paige was fine and I was being life-flighted. Of course this was wrong, it was the other way around...  My boys, how scared they must have been to see their mom laying in a hospital bed and knowing their beautiful little sister was gone.  Paige was their little angel and they wanted to protect her.  I think when we were finally all together at the hospital, we were in denial, we were together and we were able to touch one another, that was good - we were focusing on one another and just happy to be together.  

As a mother, how can I express the love I have for my two boys?  No words that I write can come anywhere near the love I feel in my heart and my soul for Chase and Stefan.  My children are my life, always have and always will be.  I am so glad that I can still experience life with my boys and know that one day, I can raise my little girl again.  How can I ever tell these young men what they mean to me in a way that they can truly grasp, it goes beyond written words, it is something I can't explain, it is unconditional, it is a feeling of pureness and loveliness... one day, when they have children of their own they will understand, the love for a child is unlike any other kind of love... What an eternal blessing our Heavenly Father gives us when he entrusts these precious children into our lives.  I will be forever humbled and grateful for the opportunity to be the mother of such amazing, loving and just beautiful children.  I love you so much, I miss my little ones - but enjoy every season of your life.  Paige, how we miss your smiling face and giggle, I know you are now the one watching over all of us.  We love you sweetheart!!!