September 8, 2009

Two years ago today, I lost one of the most precious gifts I have ever been given.  It has been two years of loss and pain both physically and emotionally but also unbelievable outpouring of love and a beautiful appreciation for great friends and family. 

I don't really know how to start this blog, but I have wanted to do this for sometime and today just felt like the perfect time.  

Paige Amelia Grant was a miracle, we were unable to have children after the birth of my second son.  Eleven years went by when I discovered I was pregnant.  It was one of those experiences where you are excited but also a little apprehensive.  I had two children (awesome boys), who were 16 and 12, life was finally getting a little bit easier.  Well, maybe not easier, but there was finally time for myself.  Now, I was going to be starting over...diapers, bottles, total and complete take over of my body, was I ready for this again?!!!  It wasn't long before my selfishness disappeared and the excitement of having another child, that I had wanted for so many years, took over and we all couldn't wait for the arrival of our new family member.  Soon after, we found out the baby was going to be a little girl.  The first sonogram came back that it was a boy, I have to admit there was a bit of disappointment at first, but then the real sonogram date came and it was definitely a girl.  I couldn't wait to tell my family.  I surprised my husband with a picture of the sonogram with the words "every little girl loves her daddy".  We held each other and cried and cried, this had been years in coming.  My boys were excited now, my oldest had not been too thrilled to find out his mother was pregnant, he was a junior in High School and to be honest I think he was horrified at the realization of what his parents had to have been doing in order to get pregnant.  My second son was excited, but he was young, still in elementary school, so it wasn't anything but exciting for him.   Soon, all of the worries passed and we all united and were so excited for the upcoming birth...a little girl!!!

I come from a family of all boys, I am the youngest and only girl.  My parents have both passed away, so the thoughts of having a little girl was so unbelievably exciting.  I knew my parents had sent her to our family. 

Now jump forward five years...it was September 8, 2007, Paige and I were in San Diego, California watching her big brother play football.  The game had been the evening before, Paige and I were now going to spend some days in Disneyland.  But first we were on our way to Los Angeles to see the musical Wicked...we had just passed Anaheim and about 10 minutes from our exit when traffic started to come to a halt, Paige was sound asleep in the back seat of our rental car.  I heard brakes screeching, and was annoyed that people don't pay better attention.  I slowed down and pumped my brakes so people behind me would realize that the traffic was slowing to a stop.  I heard the brakes again and looked to the right, that is when everything went into slow motion.  A semi truck was coming at me, it hit the passenger side of the car, I held onto the steering wheel and took the impact.  We slid sideways until finally coming to a stop at the cement median...the horn was blaring, it was my head or hand or something, I pulled back...embarrassed.  I was fine, wide awake, my arm was hanging out the driver side window, I was pinned in pretty good, but felt good.  I was relived thinking that Paige was sound asleep, so she wouldn't be scared.  I couldn't turn to see her, the car was pretty much wrapped around me.  I was okay, so she had to be as well...little did I know, this was going to be the worst day of my life...