Wednesday, February 3, 2010

15th Post

I have talked about the accident and walked us through the services and a little of the aftermath of losing Paige. I don't really know how to proceed. It has now been almost two in a half years since we lost Paige. I wish I could say that it gets better and easier with every day that passes, but that would be a lie. For so long I worried about losing a child, I remember when Chase was little and he spent the night at his Grandma Marrott's house... coming home to our apartment without our little Chase sent me into a whirl. I remember walking into his room with all of his clothes and toys just as he left them, and kind of breaking down. Morgan thought I was losing my mind, but I told him, can you imagine if we were coming home without Chase for real, if he was gone... The feelings of losing a child were so real, I was overcome. Then, there were several times when Stefan was little that I had the same feeling, I remember going into his room and taking him out of his bed and putting him in bed with me because I was afraid he wouldn't wake up in the morning. I talked to my family about this and my mom and brother Corey told me that they had each had similar experiences when their children were young. But, I knew that the feelings I had were more than just a worry, I knew it was going to happen. I believe now that this was all preparation for what was going to happen. I believe that we have trials and experiences that come into our lives to help us be ready for certain things that WILL happen in our lives while we are here on the earth.

In the last month, I have realized that it is time to celebrate Paige's life and not focus so much on the accident and the loss of her. This isn't something that has happened over night. When you lose a child, there are no rules that apply, you just need time. Who knows, I will probably have days that I will focus again heavily on the accident, but right now I really want to just remember our sweet little girl alive. One of things that I have done is to take all of the pictures and gifts that were given to us and put them away, I finally got my living room back to being a living room again. I have realized that my life has been on hold for the past two in a half years. This was especially true when I walked into my pantry and everything had expired in 2007 and 2008. Yes, it is true, I haven't really gone grocery shopping or fixed dinner or anything since the accident. I write this because I know there are people reading this that have recently lost a child. I just want everyone to know that it takes time, you may not be yourself for a long long time, if ever. I honestly believe that I may never be the same person I was before, but I am moving forward, quite slowly, but I am moving forward. My son Chase has expressed to me that he feels that I have been a little crazy the last little while, he is right, I have been focusing on trying to stay sane. I have always thought of myself as a very strong gal, but this has definitely proved to crack this so called strength I thought I had.

I do want to tell Chase and Stefan how much I love them, and if it wasn't for them, I would be long gone. The love that I have for your little sister is the same love that I have for you. I would be devastated to lose any of you. I know I can be an over protective mom, and I am sorry if that drives you crazy, but I love you and I just want the best for you. I am so proud of who you have grown up to be and the choices you have made in your young lives, you are truly gifts from Heaven and I thank my Heavenly Father every day for you. It is amazing the love that I feel for you, I can't wait for you, Chase, to feel this, and know how unconditional the love from a parent is for their child. It won't be long...just a few more months!!!

Paige, I feel your sweet spirit in our home daily, and while I can't see you I know you are always close by. Thank you for coming to us and sharing your beautiful smile and fun little giggle - these things are forever etched in my mind. I will never forget the day you were born, I finally had a little girl, how special, this beautiful little girl was finally here. As you grew, it became more apparent just how special you were, and of course now we know that we didn't have a clue who you really were... Thank you sweetie!!!

1 comment:

Lucky to be the mom said...

Dearest Nat,
I remember the day that I came to the realization that no, I would never be the same - but I could choose to grieve for ever or be better for the experience. You're right, there's no proper time table and it's ok, however long it takes it's ok. It's ok to cry over her. It's ok to finger her little clothes and not want to put her things away, it's ok to sob for hours on the day she would have turned 8, her first year at girls camp but you're there with all the kids born the year she was...and you feel a HUGE empty hole. It's all ok.
I feel so honored to have seen the traces of her throughout your home, to have a peek into little Paige's mind.
You are blessed to be her mother.
And you know I understand...I still go a little crazy and it's been 15 years...soon to date and drive, but not to be. Oh, how I understand.
I love you!